Tuesday, September 22, 2020

I'm Back! Dark Times & I Started A Podcast?!


    Welcome to my little corner of the internet. I'm sorry it's been a long time. I know my last post wasn't that long ago. I usually schedule my posts in advance, so I've not sat down to blog in over a month. A lot has happened to me. Mostly, bad, I won't lie. Which is why I needed a break. 

  So, because I always want to be honest and open with you, let's talk about it. It's now been over a month since my father passed away. He had been in bad health for a while but he was only 55. Far too young to pass away. Now, I didn't have the best relationship with my family as I got older but I still loved my father very much. 

  My mother lives in Kentucky and I'm in Oklahoma. There was no way I could drive that far, so during Covid... I flew. To say I was scared to death was an understatement! But I knew I had to go back, not only to help my mother but it just felt right. I'd not seen my father in person since 2014 when we moved. I will always regret that as long as I live. 

  When I got there to KY, I saw how my older sister and brother were acting... God. They're even worse than I remember. My older sister was so high on drugs that she couldn't sit still. Could barely form a thought. I could tell she'd just gotten out of prison because all she talked about was 'kicking everyone's ass'. My brother was a little better but he was upset because my mother had told him not to turn the lights off in the living room because my grandmother is blind and can only see shadows. 

  They stole stuff from my mother and grandmother, ate all her health food, and kept running off to do drugs, leaving her alone. They just made this whole thing worse for her. My father would've been so angry at them. 

  So, I told them all off. Made sure they wouldn't come back and bother my mother and younger sister. Sure, they're mad at me. It hurts because I had wished we could reconnect but I really had to sit back and ask myself: was it worth reconnecting with people like that? 

  My father was cremated, just like he wanted. We each got little necklaces of some of his ashes... I'm still not sure if I should wear it in fear of if it breaks and just hanging it up someplace special. Maybe, I'll switch off. I don't know. 

   So after helping my mother with all the paperwork and updating her life insurance policy, I flew back to OK. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done: leaving my mother like that. No one is going to help her. My little sister is.... not only is she an alcoholic but she's got her own issues to deal with. 

  I have a bad.... desire to help people I care about, even if they don't want my help. I just want to see them doing well but I know it can be overbearing. I just worry because she's also taking care of grandma and now dad's not around to help her. I guess I'm just praying hard and hoping for the best. I don't know what else to do.

  Now, before my father passed away, I'd already been in a bad place. A very dark place. I don't want to go into the details because I know it can trigger some people and this is a very serious subject. But I was far more than just depressed, dangerously so. 

  So add my father passing on top of that... things just got worse. I no longer wanted to read, play games, watch TV, go outside... I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep. Which, of course, is hard to do with a special needs kiddo running around. 

  I'm still not out of the water. Some days are better than others but I'm hoping that if I take things slow and try to fight this, it might help. At the very least, it gives me something else to focus on. 

  Now, let's talk about something less... tragic, shall we?

  My partner and I have started a Podcast! And our opening line is "Hello, Beautiful People!" It's a Podcast where we kinda talk about anything and everything. The first episode was us talking about a few horror things and working out some kinks. If you give it a listen, please don't mind the low audio the microphone wasn't turned up all the way! Oops! 

    This gives me the chance to learn editing, which I'm finding, I'm not the worst at. So I can add a new skill to my resume as I get better. I'm always up for learning new and useful skills. If you have any tips or topics you want to hear please let me know! 

    So, I guess this means I'm back! I won't post as much as I did before.... everything that happened, but I'm going to shoot for two posts a week. I think that's a good goal without being overwhelming. 

    Since I've been out of the loop, what bookish news am I missing? What books are you enjoying? Tell me everything! Let's catch up in the comments below! I've missed you all! 

    I hope this post finds you happy, healthy, and safe!